The Stanford "Touchy Feely" Course:
How to Build Exceptional Relationships

Carole Robin

Co-creator, Stanford GSB "Interpersonal Dynamics"
Founder, Leaders in Tech · Author, Connect

LEADERS IN TECH

Core Framework

The Relationship Continuum

"If you have no high-quality relationships, it's unlikely you're going to experience quite as rich and full a life."

Relationships exist on a continuum from contact/no-connection to exceptional
Facebook friends = contact, not connection, not relationships in Carole's vocabulary
You don't need every relationship to be exceptional, just move past dysfunction
The same skills that create exceptional relationships make teams, orgs, and communities work

The Core Model

The Three Realities & the Feedback Formula

"We don't understand that we are only privy to two out of the three. I know what's going on for me and I know what I did. I have no idea what happened on your end."

Stay on your side of the net Only speak to the two realities you actually have access to. The moment you claim to know the other person's intent, you've crossed the net, and defensiveness follows.

The Feedback Formula

Four-part structure that builds rather than damages relationships:

"When you do…", specific observable behavior only (Reality 2)
"I feel…", a real emotion word (not "I feel you don't care")
"I'm telling you because…", show you're invested in the relationship
"I'm hoping…", invite problem-solving, not person-changing

What "I feel" actually means

"I feel that you don't care" = attribution, not a feeling.
"I feel hurt / unheard / distanced" = real feeling.
The difference determines whether feedback connects or triggers defence.

The pinch → crunch law Address small irritants early ("pinches") before they compound into relationship-ending ruptures ("crunches"). Saying nothing is never neutral, irritation grows.

Internal Work

Mental Models That Limit Us & the Two-Antenna Practice

Mental model 1: "If I disclose, you'll take advantage of me", true sometimes, but not a universal law
Mental model 2: "Giving feedback will ruin the relationship", bad technique ruins relationships, not feedback itself
Mental model 3: "Small irritations aren't worth mentioning", substitute 'it' with I/you/we: I'm not worth it?
Think of vulnerability as a dial, not a switch, move it 15% at a time

The Two Antennae

We all carry two antennae:
Internal, tracking your own emotional state in real time.
External, picking up subtle signals from others.

Interpersonal competence = honing both antennae to detect subtler and subtler signals. Meditation and self-awareness practice sharpen both.

Anger is a secondary emotion

Anger is a distancing emotion, it pushes people away.
Beneath anger is almost always fear or hurt, connecting emotions.
Expressing the primary emotion builds bridges. Expressing anger burns them.

"What a disservice to not help people understand that anger is a distancing emotion and there are other emotions that are connecting."

Leadership Playbook

Why Should Anyone Follow You?

"If you want to build a sustainable long-term legacy, show up in a way that other people come to see you as a referent figure, someone they say, 'When I grow up, I want to be more like that.'"

Vision, product, and money are reasons people join, but referent power is what makes them stay and give everything
Questions about feedback: lead with what / when / where / how, never "why" (triggers defensiveness)
The Vegas Rule in T-groups: confidentiality is the container that makes real learning possible
Disclosure builds connection, people who disclose more in structured conversations report feeling far more known

Leaders in Tech Carole's nonprofit brings the Stanford curriculum, 10-month Fellows Program + 4-day retreats, to tech leaders who didn't go to Stanford GSB. leadersintech.org

Contrarian

Myths About Relationships & Feedback at Work

✗ Giving feedback damages relationships INSTEAD → ✓ Feedback given well builds relationships. It's bad technique, not feedback itself, that causes harm. Withholding feedback is the real relationship killer.

✗ "I feel that you don't care" is an emotion INSTEAD → ✓ That's an attribution, not a feeling. Real feelings are: hurt, distanced, unheard. Using fake feeling-words triggers defensiveness and crosses the net into the other person's reality.

✗ Small irritations aren't worth mentioning INSTEAD → ✓ Pinches left unaddressed compound into crunches. Saying nothing is never neutral, you get more irritated, not less. Swap "it's not worth it" for "I'm not worth it" to test whether to speak up.

✗ Interpersonal skills are soft, nice to have INSTEAD → ✓ Stanford put Touchy Feely in the business curriculum because people do business with people. Interpersonal competence is a direct determinant of personal and professional success, more reliable than strategy or tactics.